Divorce... the gift that keeps on taking

I can't claim that the title is original - a former friend first made that observation, half wryly, half in despair.

But while i've been squirrelling away posts for a later date, i wanted to write what's been on my heart.

If you know me in real life, i don't know that i come across as militant as i feel inside. One thing that is really really bothering me lately is divorce.

If you are a mom reading this, frustrated with your marriage, would you let me take a minute to explain to you what divorce looks like from the child's perspective? Only, i'm not a child. I'll be 40 in two months!

And i know every situation is unique blah blah blah. You know, not really. There are commonalities in the people i know who are divorced, and one is that they all think their case is so exceptionally unique and they are so perfectly in the right.

Guess what? It's not true. It's all been said/done, to the moon and back.

This is what divorce feels like. It feels like a death.

In fact, i said to my mom that i envied a friend whose parent actually died around the time that my parents announced their divorce to their children, me and my sisters. My friend could post on facebook, and everyone would commiserate with them, but i knew something horrible about my parents, and they were asking me not to tell anyone. Not now, not yet. Not giving hope of a change of heart, just not wanting to face the music from their peers and cowardly, trying to shift the burden to their hurting children.

Thing is, divorce *is* a death. It's the death of a marriage. It's the death of a family. It's the death of your parents, in a way. The mom and dad i grew up with would never countenance divorce. So who are these people who call me occasionally and awkwardly now? They share the name, the face, and strangely have memories of who i've been, but i don't know them at all.

If you are a parent considering divorce, and you also consider yourself a Christian, make sure a/ there is either abandonment or infidelity and be clear that you have grounds for divorce scripturally. But even then, b/ please be clear with yourself. When you divorce your wife/husband, you are saying *to your child* that even God can't fix this. That He isn't enough. That you don't care to please Him when it's hard. That there is a situation that has no hope, because God can't be everywhere all the time.

Your children hope and pray for reconciliation. They hate the fighting, the lack of respect and civility. They hate the tears, the silences, the awkward visits if they are adults. But they will hate divorce more.

And let the flames begin, but i don't even care.

 

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